I’m not even allowed to blog about what makes me the most angry, I think.  I can’t really divulge details because I feel like it might jeopardize her position, and I don’t think that’s fair because she certainly didn’t choose this.  Every time I look at the trailer for this fucking movie I want to drink myself into oblivion.  I’ve told some people about it, shown them the fucking trailer, and know about my relationship.

I really don’t know what to say about it other than that I’m frustrated beyond belief.  I really want to fall in love again, I’m really ready to.  It’s guys like him that cheapen the word love; it’s guys like him who abuse it and profit from it and manipulate people using it.  I can’t respect that.  There is so much hurt and hate all around.  I really would just like to fall for this girl, but my reason says hold back.  I honestly think it’s this fucked-up situation: I think it’s this violently active baggage that I feel like I’m fighting against every time we kiss.

I wish I could riddle out the reasons for this.  Why he’s doing what he’s doing.  What she’s really thinking.  How I really feel.  I am scared sometimes of the power we hold over one another, without knowing it at all.  How a series of switchbacks on the truth can cause me to tremble and get misty-eyed with anger.  How I wish I could believe that people love each other in their heart of hearts.  I hope maybe I can love her, if that doesn’t sound too cheesy.  This is in the way, though, you know?  I wish I could straighten this out, if not for them, just for myself.  What am I doing here?

I wish I could reason out the ways I am ashamed of my rage, my resentment, and my obsessiveness.

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